Sinners tend to respond sinfully to being sinned against

It's true. In my very limited and small experience in life, I have seen the pattern of revenge over and over again. "She said this about me so I'm going to say this about her" would be the one that comes forefront to my mind.
This attitude of justified gossip has ruined so many friendships. The need to defend yourself against the accusations of others more often than not culminates in you slandering that person. I've done it. I think we probably all have. When I was 13-15, I knew that gossip wasn't healthy or right. I knew it would possibly make the situation worse, but I had such a strong urge to defend myself that I did in fact make everything worse.

However, I learned something when I was 15, and then more strongly when I was 18 at Liberty. People RESPECT you when you don't gossip about others, but you may not find that out until later. After losing many friendships in my mid-teens, I made a point to not defend myself to the point of slandering another. I remember when someone asked me point blank "SO! Why don't you like Susan ?(name changed)" and I was totally hurt and taken aback. I did not want all of that to surface again. I did not want to tell this person the reason "Susan" and I had a falling out because then that would possibly change this person's view of her.

As a result of avoiding gossip at Liberty, I was thrown into a lot of uncomfortable situations. I was lied about and persecuted because of it, but I prayed that God would give me edifying words and to be able to avoid/change the subject if these situations happened.
Even though I was ridiculed a lot, some people told me they knew I would not discuss rumors or spread stories about someone else and that they respected me for that.

I'm not saying I never fell. Even though I did not talk badly to my school mates about some people at school, I would talk to my family back home.
It's a hard line between talking to someone about something you are struggling with in regards to a person who is persecuting you and crossing that line where you are spreading things that are not necessary to be passed on.

Where will the cycle stop? Someone has to break it in order for healing and reconciliation to take place.

Thanks, Mom!

I love that I can type. THANK YOU MOM. It makes taking notes so much easier. I watch my lecture dvds on my laptop and take my notes while watching. This is very easy for my New Testament class. My teacher doesn't have power points but talks slowly and emphasizes what we need to write down. He also already has the outlines online.
I looove my Hermeneutics class, but it takes a very long time to take notes for. He uses a lot of detailed power points and I have to pause the video to get all of it. There is a lot of information but I love it. SO INCREDIBLY INTERESTING.

I just put on my calender when all of my assignments are due for my three Boyce classes. I don't have any info about when my English assignments are though. All I know is that I have a paper due a week from Monday and my final exam is May 11th. Boyce will be done by May 3rd though.

I spend so much time on school. I really don't understand how people have social lives when they're doing 15, 16, 17 and up credits.
I think it will calm down once I get caught up on the lectures though. Soon the deadlines start for my assignments.

In other news, I am babysitting on Saturday night. I am really excited 'cause I'm getting paid a bundle and the family is really nice. I am a little apprehensive about having three kids 3 and under but....eh....good practice :). I've never really spent much time with babies and they have an 8 month old.

I've been going through a bunch of my old cds from when I was like 15, 16. and wow. I listened to a lot of break up songs.
So now I'm in that kind of reminiscing mood.

Oh and I just rediscovered POD. and it's awesome.
And RED's new album comes out on FEBRUARY 10th!!!!

Too Keyed Up

Usually I try to keep my posts kind of focused but tonight I have way too many thoughts. First, update about school. It seems I always find out something really important the night before my class. So I thought my English class was at Annandale (because...I signed up for a class at Annandale) but I asked Karen where the HE building was and she was like "what?" So I looked at the map of the campus and couldn't find it anywhere. It turns out it's a special OFF CAMPUS location in Springfield. That's great for me because it's closer but what if I had gone to Annandale just looking for the HE building?!!! It's all good though because i get to sleep later. and less traffic.
I finished the paper. Well, the first draft. But that's the hardest part.

My KJV Only Controversy book is amazingly interesting. Working in a christian bookstore, I get a lot of people who want only the "Holy Bible" or the only "Inspired" verson, meaning the King James. Being an avid supporter of the ESV, I am not a fan of the KJV only people. As the author James White says, I am not against the King James Verson. I am against the thought that it is the ONLY version. I have to write a book report in the next two weeks and will probably post it here if anyone is interested. I have found it incredibly awesome. I am so happy to be getting a Christian education. I am so happy to be getting a Biblical Counseling degree. I don't even care if it becomes a career and I make money from it. I want God to use me in healing His people. I want to be able to reach out to my husband and have open dialog about our struggles. I want to train my children up in the Lord and teach them about relationships, addictions and our true purpose here on earth.

I just wrote out a long paragraph about a book Kim and I are going through right now but I can't collect my thoughts enough to give the subject matter justice.

I had a hard time focusing at Frontline today. I kept being reminded of things that I am grateful happened but caused me a lot of pain. But then at the end of the service I was reminded that Jesus came and saved me from my sin and that caused Him a lot of pain too. He knows how we suffer. He came as a human. He knows what it's like to be tempted, to be mocked, to be unloved, to be misunderstood, to be forsaken.

If God uses me through my failures, that's what I want to do. If God uses me through my sufferings, that's what I want to do. If God uses through me through my humiliation, that's what I want to do. If God uses me through my death, that's what I want to do.

My daddy's bumper sticker says this: Set your affections above on Jesus.

Now all I know is Grace

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You
-All I Have is Christ by Jordan Kauflin

School, School, School

I've had lots of drama with school the last few days. I am taking one class at NOVA and three classes through Boyce's online degree program. Boyce is my school but I just have to take three classes at NOVA because they don't offer them through online classes at Boyce. I paid for Boyce, which meant they shipped my DVDs and also I have all of my books on the way. That's great! Classes don't officially start there till Monday the 19th. Like I said last time, I'm nervous but excited.
However, NOVA is my source of stress. I'm sorry to badmouth the place, but I really hate it. I've had so many problems (and those were just last semester) but I've already started this semester out on a bad foot. But, praise be to my Lord, He had a lot of good come out of my stress from the last couple of days.

I was signed up for a Hybrid English Composition 2 class on Tuesday mornings from 9:30-10:45. I kept checking the bookstore and my professor had not assigned any books for the class. Also, she had not put up a syllabus. The day before my class (Monday), I arrived home from my Pastor's house at about 9:30 p.m. Usually I don't get home till 11:30 so I guess right there is a blessing from God. Anyway, I logged onto my blackboard account and my class was up! Yay! Well.....I looked at the syllabus and it said that it was a class called Women in Literature!!!!!! AND I DID NOT WANT TO TAKE THAT!!!!! So I was really upset and tried to change it, but I couldn't because NOVA hadn't approved my English Composition 1 class from Liberty yet. Before, I had just gone to an advisor and she had manuelly done it. So I had to go to the school the next day (Tuesday) and try to change the class. Which meant I would miss the class I wanted to switch my original one with.

Now, I am a pretty huge overachiever academically. I didn't realize it until I went to Liberty but I am. I have thought a lot about why I am this way and I think I have pinpointed the reason. All of my cousins are way smart. And I mean way smart. And I always felt like the kind of average one so I really wanted to prove myself when I got to college and get a 4.0 and everything. Well, I did that but I also left after just one semester. Because of that, I still felt like a failure and that my family looked down on my intelligence and/or endurance. So missing the first class is kind of a big deal to me.

As I prepared for my visit with the adviser, I prayed for God's peace and that He would fill me with contentment in any situation. Probably a year and a half ago I wouldn't have done that but He reminded me of His presence and control and I cried out to Him. I have such a loving Lord. He did calm me and I went into my meeting ready for whatever was thrown me. The class I wanted was full so I signed up for a class at a different location on Mondays instead of Tuesdays. In the end, this is a much better situation for me. This location is where a few of my friends go and I am glad that I am going there as well. I have e-mailed my new professor and she has already responded to me! I am excited about the class and my first assignment sounds fun and interesting.

So my prayer is that when I face trials, I will be reminded of this little bit of stress and how God changed it into a learning experience and overall a better situation for me.

Playoffs

Today I'm sitting here watching the Giants and Eagles game. I hate both of those teams, so I don't really care. I guess I'm routing for the Giants though. My manager, Bridget, and her family are from New York and I know she'll be happy if they win.
I felt really terrible this morning because of being on the diet. I have low blood sugar just normally and the first two weeks of South Beach are pretty strict. So I woke up and felt really terrible and shaky and weird so I just went back to bed. Which sucks because I won't be able to go to my church next week because Ashley and I are going to Mclean Bible after spending the night at her Aunt's.

I finally got signed up for classes at Boyce, which is cool, but it's really annoying being a transfer student. Like incredibly annoying. But I hope everything gets straightened out and some of my credits will transfer because I don't think I could stand it if none of my credits from Liberty transfered. It would be like starting as a first semester freshman again.
I'm signed up for Hermeneutics (interpretation of the bible), New Testament Survey 2 and Intro to Christian Missions. I am excited, yet a little nervous.

I Have a Shelter

These are the lyrics to the Sovereign Grace song "I Have a Shelter" on the album Come Weary Saints. Mom had it playing today because she is considering teaching our congregation to sing it.

I thought that the words were encouraging. The melody is also gorgeous.


I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

Happy New Year!

I did write a blog on the 1st of January, but I didn't say anything about the New Year! Well, I had a great time on New Year's Eve. I got off work at 1 and went home where I have no idea what I did for the rest of the day. In the evening, Ashley and I and Mom and Dad went to church for games, snacks and a movie. Well, we didn't end up watching the movie because we were having so much fun playing Time's Up!!! Oh man, that is such a fun game. I'm going to have the kids play it tomorrow at youth group. It's basically a cross between Taboo and Charades. Grammie and Bapa even played and they actually did really well, even though a lot of the cards had pop culture titles on them. We played up until 11:30 and Ashley and I got home at 11:50. We watched the ball drop and Ashley cried at Dick Clark.

I had the day off from work on the 1st and I was totally screwed up the rest of the week. Friday felt like Monday, Saturday felt like Tuesday (because I usually have that day off anyway) so I felt on Sunday morning like I had to go to work.

Daryl and I painted my bathroom green! It all started with him getting me a new shower curtain for Christmas. I will post pictures soon

But now my laptop is dying because Ashley has my laptop cord because her cord exploded

Taylor Swift's Song "Breathe"

Making my Christmas list this year seemed like a daunting task. I guess I wanted a lot of things...but I also felt like I could just get most of them myself. I love buying new things to decorate the house with. I like buying stuff for cooking and also I spend a lot of money on food. So I focused on things that I would never buy for myself but kind of wanted. One of those things was Taylor Swift's new CD "Fearless". I have never been a huge fan of hers, but I loved her first single from the album (Love Story) so I thought I would most likely like the rest of it. I was right! I really love the CD. But I really don't have the time or energy to write a full review of it so I'm just going to focus on one song.

The seventh track on "Fearless" is called "Breathe". It is a gorgeous slow song that fits her voice perfectly. The first time I heard the song in my car, I started crying. Let me explain what the song is about. The song is about the ending of a relationship. It uses phrases like "Now I don't know what to be without you around" "Never a clean break, no one here to save me" and "I can't breathe without you, but I have to". This song works so well because I believe that a lot of people can relate with this feeling of loss. As I sat crying in my car, I became very aware of how warped this sense of sadness was for me. I also became concerned as to why I had felt such a strong reaction.
As a child of God, I know who I am. I know what to be. I know who will save me. I have the love of a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing and all-sustaining.
I don't want to downplay the sadness of losing someone close. Relationships are painful and it is OK to be disappointed, upset and hurt by their endings. But we do have a Healer and Savior in Jesus Christ. So, yes, we can breathe without that person. We can move on with our lives. We can be who we are supposed to be without them because we will be with who we truly need for eternity.

The song is gorgeous and even though I do not whole-heartedly agree with the lyrics, it hits that emotional nerve inside of me. I still tear up sometimes when I think of what could have happened and what really did happen in the end. I am joyful because I will never have my relationship end with my Heavenly Father.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10